Wayne Gretzky Begs U.S. President for Bailout (Humor)

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Disclaimer: The following article is 100 percent satire, and not meant to convey any truth at all.  Any slights made or offense given is totally meant to be hilarious and not insulting. Direct further problems to the President.

Chairman Waxman: Today we are holding our 56th day of hearings on the financial crises.

Yesterday, we examined the collapse of Lehman Brothers, Bank of America, and AIG.  Today, we will be discussing the Phoenix Coyotes of the National Hockey League.

The Phoenix Coyotes recently declared bankruptcy, and the National Hockey League has offered to help bring them out of this crisis.

Unfortunately, though, even the National Hockey League does not have enough money to help this poor team out.  And since this is such an important bailout hearing, we are proud to welcome BT Obama, the President of the United States of America to overlook this hearing.  Mr. President, please give us your opening statement.

President Bryan Obama-Thiel: This...is a crisis. But we will persevere! I may not be the best president to lead us through this, but I can, and will do so.

We can spend up to $2 million doing so.  No more, no less.

And so help me if it goes towards paying Shane Doan more money.

Hockey may not be the first sport that many Americans think of.  It may not be the second, or third.  In fact, many consider NASCAR, or "turning left" to be more prominent in our culture.

But one thing is for sure: My government will go down in history, as the one trying to bail out Gary Bettman's financial ruin, no matter the cost!

Past Presidents have been known for wars, others for introducing peace, and others for saving our very well-being.

Me? I hope to me known, as the President that saved hockey in climates that can't knowingly support winter!

Because it's not the fans that care about the sport that matter, it's the players that yearn to play for millions of dollars in front of an empty arena while getting a tan before and after the game that do!

(Smattering of applause).

Wayne Gretzky is apparently the greatest hockey player that ever lived. A great account he is not, which is why he needs America! Is he American? Not from the start, but neither was Brett Hull and we embraced him when Canada said they wouldn't! Now?

Canada has refused to embrace the Jets, and one of their own is trying to save them in Phoenix, and America, whether they want us to or not, will be here to save them!

He is called “The Great One”, but let me ask you this: if he is so “Great,” why is he such a miserable failure behind the bench?

Mr. Gretzky, please give us your opening statement.

Wayne Gretzky: ….Thank you, Mr. President.  You continue to show the country why I didn’t vote for you.  You suggest that the country is only willing to grant the Phoenix Coyotes’ hockey organization $2 million in bailout money.

BT: Hold on right there, Mr. Gretzky.  What did you call the Coyotes?

Gretzky: A hockey organization?

BT: Yeah, that.  Don’t say that.

Gretzky: But we’re an organization that plays hockey.

BT: That’s arguable, based on how your team plays.  (Pause).  You mean that's what hockey is supposed to look like? I thought it was Disney on Ice. I brought my daughter, and wrote a letter of complaint based on the use of language. You should look at really clearing that up, too while you're at it.

Gretzky: Anyways, we’ve struggled greatly because of the lack of fan support.  We’re not sure why, because we have marketed the team so damn well, and we’ve been trying so hard to put a great team on the ice.

Commissioner Bettman (storming into the conference room): Now hold on just a minute!  You guys hold a hearing on a team in my league, and you don’t invite me?

Waxman: Crap, who told the midget?

Sidney Crosby: Sorry, he threatened to reveal the fact that I dive when on the ice.  I can’t possibly live having that persona in my repertoire.

(Long pause).

Bettman: We are outraged here at the NHL offices!  There are so many fans in the Arizona/Phoenix area, but they are not willing to spend the money to come to hockey games!  I am outraged!

Gretzky: Gary, please, just get out of here.

Bettman: No!  You may be the Great One, but I’m the Best One!  Everyone knows that!  Why are all the Phoenix fans hiding?

BT: Are you serious, Mr. Bettman?  There are no fans!  That’s why this team is bankrupt!  I’m in the freakin' White House all day and I know that no one likes that team!

Bettman: But every time I go to Phoenix for a game, the arena is sold out!

BT: Gary, we have evidence that not only have you never been to a Coyotes’ game, but you’ve never even been in Arizona.

Bettman: That’s not true, I vacationed there a couple years ago.  It’s where I went to get away from the lock-ou ...oh, crap.

BT: Okay, so we move on. Mr. Gretzky, I’m going to open the floor to questions, is that okay?  Why am I asking you, if it’s not okay, you ain’t getting your money.  So yeah.

Senator Ken Armer: Sir, why would someone assume that a team named the "Coyotes" would work. A Coyote is not a cold-weather animal, meaning that it could be argued this franchise was doomed to fail from the start, correct?

Gretzky: That has nothing to do with it.  California named their team the Seals.  They don’t really have anything to do with ice.

BT: Yeah, they folded.

Bettman: California’s team folded?  When was this!  Hmm, maybe that’s why I can’t get their GM to call me back.

Senator Armer: How much bailout money are you looking for Mr. Gretzky?  Ballpark, so we know what we’re dealing with.

Gretzky: Well, our payroll is at the salary floor, and we haven’t paid our players a single penny this year.  In fact, Shane Doan is so upset he is threatening to think about deciding whether or not he wants to stay. 

Plus, our owners have lost upwards of $100 million since relocating to Phoenix in the '90s.  So we are basically looking for a fair sum of money, somewhere in the ballpark of $1 billion.

BT: Are you f***ing crazy?  Even Jim Balsillie doesn’t have that much money to give!

Jim Balsillie: Seriously, Gretz.  I mean, I’m totally willing to buy this team, which I still don’t know why Betts won’t let me, but I can’t pay more than $200 million or so.  I do want to TRY and make a profit (before giving up in a couple days and moving to Hamilton).

Armer: Mr. Gretzky, do you have someone else with you to discuss the state of the team?

Jerry Moyes: That would be me, Mr. Senator.  I’m the one who just had the team taken away from me by the NHL.

Armer: Why should we be giving you guys a bailout?  What plans do you have to ensure that this does not happen again?

Moyes: ...we don’t have any plans.  We didn’t.  That’s why we’re here right now asking for more money.

BT:  So you don't have a plan but you need more money? Sure, I don't see anything wrong with—(BT punches George Bush in the face)—sorry, he keeps slumming around here.

I can't see the logistics in giving you that money.

And I'm tired of you upper-class types using the money for your bonuses instead of businesses! I don't get a bonus. I don't get anything! I just get to live in this big house. How are we to be sure the money goes to the team?

Moyes: Well, I don’t control the team anymore.  Betts does.  Ask him what he’s going to do with the money.

(Bettman seen in back taking a bath in $100 bills).

BT: Betts, what the hell are you doing?

Bettman: Sorry, I got my paycheck, and since I’m running out of room in my house to hold all this extra money, I figured I’d flaunt my wealth here.

(Bailiff escorts Bettman out of room).

BT: Do you have any other witnesses to make statements about the state of the team?

Shane Doan: Actually, I’m willing to answer some questions.

BT: Who are you?

Doan: I’ve been the captain of this team for years.  Don’t you ever watch games?

BT: Whoa, whoa, this is hockey, we’re talking about here.  I wouldn’t watch hockey if the only other sport on was curling.  I’m learning about the game, though.

Doan: Do you know what the blue stuff in front of the goal is called?

BT: The crease?

Doan: Oh, ok.  Well what about offsides, do you know what that is?

BT: Who am I, Albert Einstein?  I’m not a superhero.  All I know is that your team is failing miserably at playing this so-called “hockey” game.

Doan: Well, we have some real good players coming up.  Kyle Turris, Mikkel Boedker, that Russian guy who creeps the hell outta us in the locker room...If people just gave us a chance, perhaps we wouldn’t need to trade people like Olli Jokinen to rid us of salary.

BT: I don't know who any of those people are... and I have no money in the US budget, yet I still manage to give away billions in bailout money.  And right now, it doesn’t look too good that you’ll be included in those billions.

Viktor Tikhonov: I am willing to answer question for president.

BT: What was that?  Did it just got more Communist-y in here?

Tikhonov: We have great team, I want implore you to give team money so we play hockey.

BT: Pfft, Russians.  Always asking us Americans for money.  If you want any more money, send me my mail-order bride first!

Gretzky: Mr. President, the bottom line is, we need money.  I feel like I’ve just wasted my time here today simply to explain to you what a blue line is.

BT: Hey, those things are tough to understand.

Gretzky: Mr. President, can you please be serious for once?  You’re just as bad as the last one we had, President Armer-Bush.

BT: Fine, you want me to be serious?  Here is my proposal.  Mr. Gretzky, you have three weeks to find financial assistance. If in that time you haven't I will personally come to Phoenix and hunt you down.

Gretzky:...

BT: Or, you know, further discuss this bailout. So long as you use the Coyote more in your marketing.  For example, the Coyote is an "ever-travelling spirit".  Market that to get people to come out, not only to your home games, but to your away games.

Or get ice girls. It worked for Tampa Bay.

(Meeting adjourned)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thanks to Bryan Thiel and Ken Armer for quotes and help.

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Alan Bass is a Senior Writer for Bleacher Report, the Community Leader for the NHL and Philadelphia Flyers’ section, and a writer for Prohockeynews.com, Insidehockey.com, and Hockeybarn.com.  You can contact him at ALN424@aol.com.