Dustin Byfuglien and the Winnipeg Jets Are Really Big News

G'day to you, Dustin Byfuglien.

Nice of you to rub some of the squeaky-clean off 17-Wing Winnipeg, otherwise known as the Jets.

I mean, until you spent a few hours the other night in the Hennepen County hoosegow, River City's newly minted, aw-shucks hockey club had more squeaky-clean than a roomful of Richie Cunninghams.

But then you had to go and do some good ol' boyin', which is to say boatin' and beerin' on Lake Minnetonka in Minnesota. This, not surprisingly, is frowned upon by state law enforcement officials, who prefer that only sober people drive boats on their 10,000 lakes.

So now a member of Winnipeg's Good Ship Lollipop has been fingerprinted, forced to pose for one of those cheery police mug shots and jailed on suspicion of boating while intoxicated and refusing to provide blood or urine samples, all of which tends to tarnish a product like a National Hockey League team.

But you know what, Buff? I'm going to cut you some slack on the impaired thing. Been there, done that and not particularly proud of it. And a lot of the people who'll be root, root, rooting for you at the MTS Centre in the 2011-12 NHL season have done the drink-and-drive thing, too, so I shall not join any tsk-tsk chorus.

I am, however, gravely concerned about one element of your arrest in Minnesota on those drunk boating charges. It's your weight—286 pounds.

Good grief, man! What were you doing on that lake? Besides drinking beer, that is. Were you trying to eat all the fish?

Two hundred and eighty-six pounds! Yowzers! Is that for real, or did you have Zdeno Chara hidden under your shirt when Deputy Dawg weighed you in at the cop shop? A Zamboni weighs less than you. Are you coming to Winnipeg to play defence for the Jets or the Blue Bombers?

Most alarming is that you've apparently added 40 pounds during the offseason. My St. Bernard doesn't weigh that much. That must be some workout regimen you've got going. Some guys lift weights. You lift a knife and fork. Who's your personal trainer? Charles Barkley?

We've never met, Buff, but I'm going to offer you some free advice: Next time someone asks you if you want a Big Mac, just say two words: "I'm full."

In the meantime, I believe we now have an official theme song for the Jets: He Ain't Heavy, He's My Byfuglien.

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