Satire

SATIRE—In what was billed as a battle for last place, two of the NHL's worst teams so far this season, the Buffalo Sabres and New Jersey Devils faced off on Wednesday night.

The game ended in a shootout and with an opportunity to keep the game alive, Ilya Kovalchuk who signed a $100 million, 15-year deal with the Devils this summer to become their most potent offensive weapon, failed to control the puck long enough to even attempt a shot on goal.

Gary Bettman recently appeared on Hockey Night In Canada to be interviewed by the CBC's Ron McLean.

What followed was a sometimes nasty exchange between the two mostly resulting in Bettman being defensive.

While the segment appeared to have ended, the cameras kept rolling as the two men continued to talk:

McLean:  So why do you think you are the most hated man in hockey?

Bettman:  I am not the most hated man in hockey.  Who says that? You?

McLean: Well, everybody does...

Bettman: Who is everybody?  You?

A man is serving jail time tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting  at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals.

But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

Hate crimes add unnecessary punishment simply because it was committed due to prejudice.

However, the law is the law, and the Supreme Court of Canada found Gary Bruce Bettman guilty of repeatedly refusing to allow Jim Balsillie to purchase a National Hockey League Team with fair and legal monetary proposals.

Exhibit A

In 2006, when Balsillie offered to buy the Pittsburgh Penguins, Bettman disallowed the offer to stand.

Exhibit B

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Disclaimer: The following article is 100 percent satire, and not meant to convey any truth at all.  Any slights made or offense given is totally meant to be hilarious and not insulting. Direct further problems to the President.